Memory
by Gimli2003
Summary: Four word summary: short-term memory loss. October 25th-Chapter 8!
1. Chapter One

Title/Author: Memory / by Gimli2003  
  
Season/Spoilers:4 or 5 / none at all  
  
Rating/Content:PG-13 / Language (as usual) and some innuendo  
  
Category:Humor  
  
Summary:Four word summary: short-term memory loss  
  
Author's Note:Hello once again, campers! Your favorite dwarven comedian here to lighten   
  
your days with SG-1 humour. I just want to thank everyone for the feedback,  
  
you all are great. I WILL be updating the fruit loops story and adding a  
  
sequel to 'Finding Carter,' as per your requests, just gimme some time.  
  
Anyhoo, enough talk, enjoy!  
  
Memory  
  
By Gimli2003  
  
"Incoming wormhole, sir."  
  
General George Hammond, commanding officer of the men and women of the Stargate program,  
  
heard Sgt. Siler's call from the control station just a moment after the usual alarms, bells, and  
  
whistles went off. He made his way over to where the officer controlling the Stargate sat, checking  
  
through the clear, bulletproof AND staffweapon-proof glass, that the trinium iris over the  
  
Stargate was, in fact, closed. It was. Good.  
  
"Report, sergeant. Do we have a GDO code?"  
  
"Not yet, sir." Silence sat between the two air force officers, for a moment. Then…  
  
"Incoming signal, sir. It's SG-1."  
  
Hammond let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Open the iris." He  
  
watched as the sleek metal barrier retracted into the ring in front of their Stargate.  
  
SG-1 was more than 14 hours overdue back from their exploratory mission of PV8-366. They  
  
hadn't sent word back that they would be late, either, as was somewhat typical of the colonel. He  
  
had Dr. Frasier on standby, awaiting the moment their flagship team would come back, most likely   
  
with injuries of some sort.  
  
As four familiar figures materialized through the wormhole, however, he released yet  
  
another breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. SG-1 was intact, without any signs of injury;  
  
even Dr. Jackson seemed to be wholly untouched. 'Well, looks like the president owes me $50, that's  
  
five missions in a row without the good doctor being harmed,' he thought to himself as he entered  
  
the embarkation room. "SG-1, welcome back."  
  
As usual, the colonel was the first to respond. "Yessiree, good to be back, from...where we  
  
just were."  
  
'Odd,' thought Hammond, but dismissed the remark as typical O'Neill. "What did your mission  
  
turn up, Colonel?"  
  
"Uhhhhhhh…" O'Neill seemed to be in deep thought, an activity he usually didn't partake in.  
  
"Well, sir…," he trailed off yet again. Then a strange look spread over his face, and he visibly  
  
relaxed.  
  
He also didn't answer Hammond's question. "Colonel?!"  
  
"Yessir!"  
  
"Spit it out son!"  
  
Now O'Neill seemed confused. "Spit what out, sir?"  
  
"What have you been doing on PV8-366 all this time?!" Now he was shouting at the top of his  
  
lungs.  
  
"Oh, of course, why didn't you say so, sir?" Now that earned him a reprimand in Hammonds book.  
  
Or at least it would have had this been anyone else and he wasn't concerned about his 2ICs health.  
  
"Well, Daniel played with his rocks-"  
  
"Artifacts, Jack, artifacts! I was translating an ancient language, not that you EVER listen  
  
to me about that stuff, always playing with your yo-yo-"  
  
"DANIEL!"  
  
'Oh, that was it.' "Colonel, hand over the yo-yo."  
  
Cue the innocent school-boy look. "What yo-yo?"  
  
"Colonel." Hammond let his voice drop to a level that would make Artic winters seem balmy by  
  
comparison.  
  
"Oh but sir, it was a birthday present. From Cassie!"  
  
"Then you'll have to explain to her why you won't be getting it back till Christmas. Now hand  
  
the toy over," he bellowed while holding out one hand. 'God, that sounded lame. Dammit, high-school  
  
teachers deal with this stuff, not generals in the Unite States Air Force!'  
  
O'Neill gave a heavy sigh. "Yes sir." He reached into his pocket, not his BOXERS pocket, mind  
  
you, but his actual pants pocket, and pulled out a round, yellow and green glow-in–the-dark ellipsoid  
  
attached to a string, which he achingly departed with.  
  
"Sir," Major Samantha Carter, 2IC of SG-1 piped up, "you keep that in your UNDERWEAR?!"  
  
"In my boxers, yeah. Why?"  
  
"Nothing, sir." Was she blushing? 'Honestly, this is getting out of hand. If these two would  
  
only talk to me about their relationship together, we could simplify this situation...and I could collect  
  
a good $100 from Jacob.' He noticed again that that weird expression had spread over the colonel's face.  
  
"So, what else happened on your trip, Colonel," he asked after pocketing the toy.  
  
Once again, Jack seemed to snap out of some sort of dream-like state at the sound of his voice.  
  
"Yes sir, hey! Good to be back, hugs all around. Who's first?"   
  
"Colonel, what the hell is the matter with you?" Hammond looked over the other three SG-1  
  
members with a critical eye. 'What is going on here? Is Teal'c teaching him to Kel-noreem while awake  
  
or something? Even O'Neill doesn't normally act this way.' "What happened to you all out there?"  
  
"None of us can recall, General Hammond." 'Trust the jaffa to keep the conversation on track,  
  
as usual.'  
  
"Oh, great. That's just goddamn fantastic. What did you four DO on PV8-366, anyway? Hit each  
  
over the head with rocks for half-the-day?"  
  
O'Neill turned to his teammates. "We didn't, did we?"  
  
"That's it. Get doctor Frasier in here, NOW!" He bellowed at the nearest SF as loud and as  
  
authoritatively as his anger would let him.  
  
The petite doctor was there in a matter of moments, followed by a couple of her nurses. She  
  
immediately set to work examining SG-1 for any sort of explanation as to their current behavior. After  
  
a few minutes of initial checks and tests, she said exactly what he knew she would say.  
  
"I need to get them to the infirmary, general. Whatever is causing this, it isn't something  
  
like a normal bump on the head. I'm going to need some time to run some tests."  
  
"Very well, doctor. Get started immediately." She nodded and began to herd arguably the four  
  
most important members of the SGC towards the infirmary. They hadn't gone ten steps down the hall,  
  
though, before he heard-  
  
"Hey, WHERE'S MY YO-YO?!?"  
  
TBC  
  
// Feed the hungry review monster! 


	2. Chapter Two

// And the chaos continues. Just a note, this isn't the funniest thing I've ever written, since it's  
  
// explaining a lot, but the next chapters will make up for it.  
  
// Oh yeah, forgot the legal BS again. I don't own this show, wish I did, blah blah blah, you get the idea.  
  
Chapter Two  
  
Janet Frasier emerged from her infirmary an hour later grumpy, sweaty, confused, exasperated, and  
  
over all just plain exhausted. SG-1s condition, readily identifiable to even the most amateur students of  
  
medicine or psychology, had been driving both her and her staff totally nuts.  
  
It had been impossible to pin down any one factor to blame for SG-1s condition. Even Mackenzie, who  
  
happened to be on base when the four had returned, had been totally and completely baffled, never having seen  
  
a case like this. Letting out a sigh that carried with it the largest amount of frustration she had felt in  
  
months, she looked up to see the General coming down the hall. 'Oh boy, this is NOT gonna be fun.'  
  
"Doctor, what's their status?"  
  
'Okay, suck it up Janet, just tell him what you know. He's not gonna get angry at you...is he?'  
  
"Well sir," she struggled to find the words to explain what really should have been quite easy. After all,  
  
millions of people had seen the movie with that silly fish in it that was suffering from the same thing.  
  
'The general has two grand-daughters, doesn't he?'  
  
"Sir, do you remember seeing that Pixar movie 'Finding Nemo' over the summer?"  
  
If he was thrown for a loop by her question, he didn't show it. "I rented it to watch with Sandra  
  
and Nellie about a month ago. Why?"  
  
"Do you remember the blue fish, Dory, and her memory problem?"  
  
She actually saw the old man smile for a moment. "Who could forget her? What's that have to do with  
  
...oh, OH!" Understanding lit up his face, followed quickly by despair. "Oh my god, they're not-"  
  
She simply nodded. "Yep. All four of them. Total and complete loss of short-term memory. And no,  
  
there are no signs of any physical trauma that could be to blame, though I doubt any sort of blow or blows  
  
could cause this sort of thing."  
  
"Could this be an aftereffect of repeated exposure to gating, doctor? Something that we're only now  
  
seeing?"  
  
Janet thought hard, running through all the data she had ever looked at on the status of human minds  
  
and bodies after passing through a wormhole. "I doubt it. We've been doing this for years, there's no  
  
reason to expect that this would show up just now. No, my guess is it's usual: exposure to alien technology  
  
or a new disease of some sort, one that affects jaffa as well as normal humans. We'll have to wait until  
  
the tests come back for a conclusive answer. Until then..."  
  
"Right, we'll have them confined to base until then. What can you tell me about their condition, in  
  
the meantime?"  
  
"Well, the memory lapse usually sets in after about a minute, though the amount of time they retain  
  
their memory seems vary depending on the person. The shortest time so far is about five seconds."  
  
Hammond nodded knowingly. "Colonel O'Neill."  
  
Now it was her turn to hold back a look of surprise. "How did you know?"  
  
"When was the last briefing you attended with the colonel, doctor?"  
  
She had to struggle to remember that detail. "It was a little over two months ago, the medical  
  
relief mission to P3X-797, to deliver more of the vaccine for the touched virus to be distributed to other  
  
portions of the world."  
  
"And what did the colonel do for the entire briefing?"  
  
"Ah yes, he tried to engage Daniel in a game of tabletop football, when his attention wavered after  
  
the first two minutes. I remember because he missed the goal and hit me in the forehead."  
  
"Exactly."  
  
"Yes sir. It is surprising, though, he also managed to hold onto his memory the longest, a full three  
  
minutes. Teal'c is very constant in his times, somewhere just over a minute and forty seconds. Daniel and Sam  
  
both vary widely, though not so much as the colonel. Another interesting thing, just after their memory is  
  
effectively erased, there's a moment where they seem a little open to suggestion. We had to pry the colonel  
  
away from door after I threatened to use a size DD-31 needle to extract spinal fluid from him if he didn't  
  
stop acting like a child. I didn't see at the moment that his memory had just lapsed."  
  
"Something tells me, doctor, that you might have gotten that reaction anyway. You know the colonel's  
  
dislike for needles."  
  
She ran a hand through her hair tiredly. "And me in general, I know. The thing is, I've NEVER gotten  
  
a response that drastic out of him before...and I wasn't even trying to intimidate him. It was a joke!   
  
There's not even any such thing as a size DD-31 needle."  
  
"Okay, aside from that, how are they handling this new...development?"  
  
'Ah finally, I get to tell him some GOOD news.' "Remarkably well, actually. When their memory lapses,  
  
they become very calm and agreeable, regardless of how upset they might have been five seconds ago. Not  
  
surprising since they wouldn't remember anything from earlier anyway."  
  
"And their long-term memory, that's okay?"  
  
"Yes, that has been completely unaffected. Since their long-term memory is just fine, they remember  
  
who they are, who we are, their educations, what they do here, everything about the Stargate program and what's  
  
happened here over the past four years. It's just the last half a day up until now they're having trouble with  
  
remembering."  
  
That threw the general for a moment. "Does that mean they don't remember being on the planet?"  
  
"No sir, they remember some parts of their exploration. It seems their memories cut out right about  
  
when they started exploring some large building. They can't remember a thing about it, other than, in the  
  
colonels words, 'it was a big honking building with a bad paint job and no front door'. I pressed him a  
  
little for details but neither he nor the others could tell me anything else."  
  
The rotund officer in front of her shook his head slowly. "So they can't tell us ANYTHING about how  
  
this happened?" There was a note of despair to his voice.  
  
"Well, we could try some hypnosis. Regression therapy worked that time Daniel was captured by that  
  
alien creature and Sam, Teal'c, and the colonel all thought he was dead."  
  
He seemed to consider this for a moment. "Let's wait until we can be sure it isn't anything we can  
  
treat any other way. Doesn't hypnosis usually require more than three minutes to take effect?"  
  
'Oh, damn it, he's right.' "Yes sir, now that you mention it, it usually does. Well, so much for  
  
that option."  
  
"Well, I guess we'll just have to wait and see what happens with the test results. In the meantime,  
  
just make sure they're watched over at all times. It shouldn't be that hard, considering they can't remember  
  
anything from five minutes ago and it's easy to distract them. Just let me know the instant the test results  
  
come in if it's something that can be counteracted in any way. Otherwise, it can wait till tomorrows debriefing."  
  
'And my God have mercy on our souls in the meantime.'  
  
TBC  
  
// More to come soon. Be patient, classes have started and I'm really busy, but the next chapter will be  
  
// here by the end of the week. 


	3. Chapter Three

// And now to the fun stuff! Thanks to everyone for being patient with me. I love my reviewers!  
  
// See previous chapter for details and stuff  
  
// Authors note: I won't be continuing 'Finding Carter' anymore. Sorry, I just don't think I can deliver  
  
// that sort of thing again. Inspired by its success, however, I will try to do more stories in this format.   
  
// And, before I forget, props to Ruthie, whose series inspired 'Finding Carter'; thanks for the inspiration.  
  
Chapter 3  
  
"Hey Carter?"  
  
"Yes sir?" Carter looked up from her experiment, surprised to see the colonel sitting there across from  
  
her. When had he come in here?  
  
"Do you know who took my yo-yo?"  
  
She scrunched up her face in concentration for a moment. "What makes you think I'd know where it is, sir?"  
  
"Well, I don't think you could have any LESS of an idea than I do as to who took it, since I'm completely  
  
clueless on this matter. I usually keep it in-" He suddenly stopped, eyeing Sam suspiciously. "You wouldn't go  
  
looking THERE, would you?"  
  
"I have no idea what you're talking about, sir. But I assure you, I didn't take your yo-yo." 'I think.'  
  
"Oh, okay." He muttered under his breath, "Damn. I wouldn't mind if it was you."  
  
She looked up from her experiment, again. "What?"  
  
He gave her an odd look in return. "What?"  
  
"What?"  
  
"What what"  
  
'Damn, what was she asking him about again?' "What was what, sir?"  
  
"Uh, I don't know."  
  
"Oh. Okay." Sam went back to preparing her experiment with the naquadah generator. It was the 18th time  
  
this hour she had done so.  
  
About a minute or so went by until...  
  
"Carter?"  
  
"Yes sir?"  
  
"Weren't we just on PV8-366-"  
  
"-About to enter that big alien building?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"I think so." She looked around the room. "So, what are we doing here?"  
  
Jack looked up distractedly. "Huh?"  
  
"What are we doing here, sir?"  
  
Jack looked confused. 'Where am I? Oh, this is Carter's lab. And Carter's in it. Therefore…' "I'm bugging  
  
you, Carter."  
  
"You are?"  
  
"Yeah, of course." He grinned mischievously.  
  
"Oh, well please stop it, then."  
  
"Okay, I will." 'As soon as I can remember what I've been doing to bug her. Ooh, where's my yo-yo; that will  
  
work. Jack O'Neill, master of yo-yo combat.'  
  
He was about to search for his toy when he heard, "AAAH!" Carter jumped up out of her chair, evoking a similar  
  
reaction from Jack.  
  
"Oh, it's you sir. Sorry, you startled me."  
  
"Yeah me, too." He paused for a moment. "Hey, wait a minute, what are you fooling around with on my desk?"  
  
'Huh, I'm in HIS quarters?' Carter looked around. This was HER quarters. "Sir, this isn't your desk, or your  
  
quarters. It's mine."  
  
"Really?" He took a look around. "Oh, so it is. Hey, wait a minute, what am I doing here, anyway?"  
  
Carter was spared from that little bit of brain wracking by a knock on her doors to her quarters. She recognized  
  
the knock: it was Janet. "It's open, Janet."  
  
"What's open, Carter?"  
  
"Huh?"  
  
"What's open?"  
  
"…Uh, I don't-"  
  
"The door, colonel," announced Dr. Janet Frasier as she escorted the remaining two members of SG-1 into Carter's  
  
lab. "I hope you don't mind, but it will be easier for us to keep an eye on you four if SG-1 is all in one spot."  
  
Daniel and Teal'c plopped themselves into two of the remaining three chairs in her lab, the former looking  
  
absolutely exhausted, the other energized beyond belief. He eyes darted about like a hummingbird while his feet tapped  
  
the floor with the speed of a Morse code sender. Never before had Jack seen Teal'c twiddle his thumbs, which he now did  
  
with the speed of a 747 turbine engine. The big Jaffa had been in a state of kel-noreem for over 38 hours, making him  
  
VERY rested and, therefore, possessing a LOT of energy.  
  
Daniel, on the other hand, had bloodshot eyes and a multitude of paper cuts lining his fingers. He also seemed  
  
particularly irate. It seems that he kept forgetting to drink coffee and was in withdrawl. Oddly enough, this affected  
  
his hand-eye coordination, leading to the aforementioned cuts.  
  
The petite doctor visibly braced herself for the questions she knew were coming.  
  
"Doc?"  
  
"Yes, colonel?"  
  
"You here to stab me with another needle?"  
  
Dr. Frasier frowned, a little put off. "Why would you think that, Colonel?"  
  
"Because that's what you do? Besides, I can't remember what I've been doing for the past…whatever. Don't you have  
  
to treat me for that?"  
  
"Actually Colonel, I was just about to inform the four of you of the tests I ran."  
  
This caught Daniel's attention. "Tests?" He looked down at his fingers. "Oh no. No, no more tests. My ten  
  
little friends can't take it any more!"  
  
"Daniel, calm down," Sam tried to ease his nerves.  
  
"Calmyourself,DanielJackson," said a hyped up Teal'c in one fast exhalation. He was now tapping the theme to Star  
  
Wars with his heels over and over again at high speed. "Youmustlearntorelaxandbecomelikethetreeinthewind:flexiblebutstrong,  
  
willingtobendbreakingyourselfagainstthewindsoftimeandadversity."  
  
"Daniel," Frasier was using her best friendly doctor voice now, "get down off the chair, I'm not going to hurt you."  
  
"No, no, just leave me alone with my report." He started to take a rolled up, rumpled, dirty file of papers out of  
  
his pocket.  
  
"Daniel, that's what gave you those cuts in the first place. Hand them over before your digits become infected,"  
  
Frasier was now in full bad-ass doctor mode, while the rest of SG-1 watched the exchange with amusement.  
  
"WAAAHH! DISEASED PAPERS!" He threw them in the air, causing Jack to yelp and fall backwards off his chair, hitting  
  
one of the shelves lined with Carters doo-hickeys. He was suddenly covered in a miniature solar sail, the chassis of an  
  
experimental UAV, and a box labeled 'Dangerous: toxic chemicals,' which burst open to reveal about one-hundred and fifty  
  
Snickers bars.  
  
"Ah HA!" O'Neill grinned triumphantly. "So THAT'S where you keep these treats!"  
  
Dr. Frasier threw her hands up in resignation. "All right, might as well get this over with. None of you can be  
  
helped with Earth medicine, so we're sending a message to the Tok'ra, see if they can help." She dusted her hands together.  
  
"There, a doctor's duty to inform her patients is complete. I'm out of here."  
  
Janet stopped briefly to remind the airman outside that under NO circumstances would SG-1 be allowed to leave without  
  
the move being cleared by either General Hammond or herself. She got as far as the end of the hall when she heard the  
  
inevitable, "Guys, get AWAY from MY CHOCHOLATE!"  
  
TBC  
  
// Next time, SG-1 visits the cafeteria! 


	4. Chapter Four

// Let the random wackiness continue.  
  
// See previous chapter for details and stuff  
  
// Authors Note: From now on, this symbol O_o, will designate a member of SG-1's memory lapsing.   
  
// Just to make things easier on yours truly. And yes…I intend to make the rest of the chapters just as  
  
// insane (if not more so) than this one. Enjoy!  
  
Chapter 4  
  
SG-1 had been lounging in Carter's lab for about half and hour. Teal'c was still hyped up like a  
  
jack-rabbit on methanphetamines, Sam was trying to hide her chocolate stash after Jack had accidentally  
  
revealed its hiding place, Daniel was napping, and Jack was trying to make a yo-yo out of metal tubing and  
  
wire.  
  
"Whydowenotadjourntothecommissary? Iammosthungryhavingnoteateninoveradayandahalf.  
  
Ibelieveyoualsocouldusesomepropernourishment, havingeatenonlyseveralchocolatebarsrecently."  
  
"T, rewind, then slow play, and maybe I'll be able to understand you." Jack went back to his task of  
  
constructing a yo-yo from scratch, which he was failing miserably at.  
  
Just then, Carter walked in. "Sir, what are you doing with my electron degenerence tubes and photon  
  
emission wire?!"  
  
"...The what?" He looked down at his hands. "Oh, it's my new yo-yo."  
  
"Sir, I was using that for...something...important, I think."  
  
"Whydoesnoonetakeseriouslymyintentthatwevisitthecommissary? ArenoneofyoutrulyasfamishedasIam?"  
  
"Teal'c, what?"   
  
"THECOMMISSARY!" Jack O_o (see, that's how it works)  
  
"Oh, I get it, he's hungry, sir. Sir? SIR!"  
  
"I didn't do it!" Jack yelled.  
  
"Didn't do what?"  
  
"Uh...it."  
  
Carter rolled her eyes. "Sir, why are you making a yo-yo out of my stuff?" Carter O-o  
  
Jack eyed her with confusion. "Why would I be MAKING a yo-yo?" Teal'c O_o  
  
"You're making a yo-yo?" She caught a look at his building materials, "OUT OF MY NEW LAB MATERIALS?!"   
  
"HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?"  
  
"WHATARETHETWOOFYOUYELLINGABOUT?"  
  
"I DON'T KNOW!" Both the major and the colonel yelled back.  
  
"THENWILLYOUPLEASESTOPSHOUTING?"  
  
"FINE!" Both of them chorused. Both O_o  
  
"Uhmmm, not the monkey…" came Daniel's muffled comment.  
  
"Monkey, what monkey?" Carter started combing her lab for the simian that would undo her carefully  
  
ordered existence here.  
  
O'Neill was interested for a different reason. "Really, a monkey? Cool, I love monkeys!" He started  
  
shaking Daniel. "C'mon, Danny, where's the monkey? I wanna see the monkey."  
  
"If that monkey touched my naquahah generator, I'll kill it." Teal'c O_o "Teal'c, help me find the  
  
monkey."  
  
"VerywellMajorCarter. Wewillhuntdownthemonkeytogether." With that, the big Jaffa began to aid Carter  
  
in searching every cubic millimeter of Sam's lab for a nonexistent primate.  
  
"Danny boy, c'mon, show me where the monkey is before it gets out."  
  
Finally, due to the influence of Jacks repeated shaking, Daniel emerged groggily from a caffeine-  
  
deprived state of slumber. "What is-" he saw Jack's face hovering an inch over his with a weird grin  
  
plastered all over it, "AHHH! Damn it Jack."  
  
Sam and Teal'c came running. "Sir, what happened?"  
  
"I want Daniel to show me the monkey."  
  
"Monkey, what monkey, Jack?"  
  
"Daniel, show me the monkey before it wrecks my lab."  
  
"Perhapsthemonkeyhasfledtothecommissarytohideinthestoragecabinetsandfeaston-" Teal'c O_o bananas."  
  
Sam, Jack, and Daniel stared at Teal'c, trying to decipher his words. Daniel was counting off on his  
  
fingers all the languages he was mentally matching up Teal'c's words to in an attempt to pry some meaning from  
  
the verbally diarrheic Jaffa. Sam was going over encryption/decryption schema in her head to figure if Teal'c  
  
was speaking in a very weird type of code. Jack was just plain confused.  
  
"Huh?" All three of them asked at once after about ten seconds of mutual silence. All three O_o  
  
"Bananas," Teal'c responded, remembering on his most recent word.  
  
"Bananas?" Daniel perked up a little. " I like bananas."  
  
"Yeah, I do too," Sam noted.  
  
"Hey, Teal'c," Jack asked, "where ya going?"  
  
"To eat the bananas, O'Neill."  
  
"Oh no you don't. I'm ranking officer here and that means I get first dibs on bananas." With that,  
  
Jack took off out the door, heading for the commissary. Alarmed at the prospect of not getting to eat bananas,  
  
Teal'c barralled out the door, flattening the SF on duty who was about to track down O'Neill and keep SG-1  
  
contained in Carter's lab. Sam and Daniel were close behind their teammates.  
  
Meanwhile, one floor above Carter's lab, Janet Frasier was heading towards the elevator to go home for  
  
the night when she heard a commotion coming from the stairwell. She turned around just in time to see Colonel  
  
O'Neill come racing down the hall. "Colonel! What are you-"  
  
"My bananas!" He said by way of explanation as he raced past her.  
  
Bewildered at this sudden turn of events in SG-1s state, she didn't notice a Jaffa and two scientists  
  
zooming down the hall towards O'Neill's receding (and her stationary) back. "O'Neill, do not touch my bananas!"  
  
"Sir, leave us some bananas!" "Jack, there're enough bananas for everyone!"  
  
A few moments later, as the sounds of four pairs of rapid footsteps receded down the halls of the SGC,  
  
Janet Frasier pried herself off the floor she had been unceremoniously flattened against. Testing her radio  
  
to see that it still worked, she sent out the call, "SG-1 is out and headed towards the commissary. I repeat,  
  
SG-1 is out!"  
  
By some miracle, all four members of SG-1 arrive at the commissary together before their memories lapsed,  
  
only to find-  
  
"Hey, where's the bananas!" yelled O'Neill.  
  
Indeed, there were no bananas set out today for the SGC.  
  
"Haveyoualreadyeatenallthecommissary'sbananas,O'Neill?" Tealc O_o  
  
"Huh?" Jack turned towards Teal'c to ask him to slow down. "Teal'c, slow down already."  
  
"Iamnotmoving, O'Neill." Jack O_o "Whatdoyouwishmetodoslower? O'Neill? O'Neill!"  
  
Not noticing the exchange between his two friends, Daniel was asking a small group of nurses near the  
  
entrance if they had seen any bananas.  
  
"If I show you some," asked one of the nurses, "will you go out with me?" Daniel O_o  
  
"I'm sorry, what?" he asked after she had been staring at him for about fifteen seconds without getting  
  
a response.  
  
"Will you go out with me?"  
  
"Sure."  
  
"Really?"  
  
"Yeah."  
  
"YES!" she screamed with joy. "YESYESYESYESYESYESYESYESYES!!! This way." She took him by the hand and  
  
led him towards the food storage area. "We'll get you your bananas."  
  
"Ooooo-kay," replied a thoroughly confused Daniel, who couldn't for the life of him remember why she  
  
wanted to show him some bananas.  
  
Meanwhile, Sam wasn't having a great deal of luck in her search, either. "Felger," she stalked up to  
  
him like a panther getting ready to pounce on a one-legged antelope.  
  
"Oh, Major Carter, nice to see you. Chloe and I were just-"  
  
"Felger, shut up. Have you seen any bananas around here recently?" Carter O_o  
  
Felger and Chloe looked at each other, a bit puzzled by Major Carter's behavior. "Major," Chloe asked  
  
in a concerned tone, noting the faraway look in her Sam's eyes, "are you feeling all right?"  
  
"Why? Do I look sick?" Sam suddenly went very pale. "I'm sick, aren't I? Oh God, why now? What do  
  
I have? I need to see Janet." With that, she walked away, swaying a little to some imaginary bug, leaving behind  
  
two very confused colleagues.  
  
"Hey, Carter?"  
  
She stopped as her CO and Teal'c came up to her, concern evident in their features. "Sir, I'm sick. I  
  
don't know what I have, but it's got to be bad. I'm pale, my heart's beating real fast, my stomach is growling-"  
  
"Asismine," said Teal'c, who immediately left to raid the nearest food closet.  
  
"-my legs feel wobbly, your hair looks white instead of silver," Jack O_o "and I'm hearing Teal'c  
  
talk funny."  
  
"Teal'c talking funny?" Jack turned towards his big friend. "Hey Teal'c, you okay?"  
  
"IndeedIamallright,O'neill. Forwhatreasondoyouinquire?" came the big guys voice from the kitchen.  
  
"Sir," whined Carter, "I'M the one who's sick, not him. That's why I'm hearing Teal'c talk funny."  
  
"Carter, I'm hearing him talk funny, too."  
  
"Really?" Jack O_o "Then you must, have the same disease I have." Sam O_o  
  
"We're diseased?" asked a now very worried Jack.  
  
"What do you mean I'm diseased?" Carter was pissed. How dare he make such an assumption about her.  
  
Where'd he get such an idea anyway?  
  
"Carter, I'm dying," Jack slid to the floor, clutching his chest, wheezing like he was really sick,  
  
"from our disease."  
  
"Nice try, sir," she crossed her arms in a surly manner, "but you're gonna have to try better than that  
  
to make up for calling me diseased." She stalked away from him into the kitchen.  
  
"Carter, help!" His voice was now low and pitiful. He saw a nurse approach him, her concern evident.  
  
"NO! GET AWAY, I'M DISEASED. GO, SAVE YOURSELVES. AVOID THE PLAGUE THAT IS MEEEEEE!!!" He wailed.  
  
Separated from this noise by the heavy door to the food preparation areas of the SGC, none of the rest of  
  
SG-1 heard his cry. Teal'c was sitting on the counter, stuffing his face with cheese crackers as Sam walked by.  
  
"Are those any good?" she asked, pointing to indicate the box of cheesy snacks.  
  
Before Teal'c could respond, both of them heard "AHHHH!" followed by the sound of doors being flung  
  
open and the sight of Daniel running (or trying to) down the hall with his pants around his ankles, screaming,  
  
"Get the crazy lady away; she wants to bite me!"  
  
A nurse, the state of whose clothing betrayed her recent activities, came running after him. "I'm sorry,  
  
Dr. Jackson. Look, I'm not gonna bite; no teeth, no teeth, I swear. I won't even-!" She never completed the  
  
sentence but instead let out a loud "Oomph" as Teal'c tackled her to save his friend Dr. Jackson from a  
  
cannibalistic nurse. Carter O_o  
  
"Teal'c," screamed Carter, "what are you doing?! Get off of her, you'll crush her to death."  
  
"ShewasattemptingtodevourDrJacksonMajorCarter."  
  
Daniel (who was O_o by now) came walking in, his pants still on the floor, Smurfs boxers evident for all  
  
the world to see. "Oh, hey Sam, Teal'c, what are you guys-ooohh, cheese crackers." He grabbed the box from  
  
Sam and began to snarf the things down." Sam O_o "Oh, sorry Sam, want some?"  
  
At the moment, Sam had been staring at his boxers, 'Smurfs?!' she had thought. She looked up quickly,  
  
missed seeing the box of cheese crackers, and misinterpreted his meaning. "Uh, Daniel, I really don't think...I  
  
mean...I don't think of you that...way, y'know?"  
  
He paused mid-chew. "Huh?"  
  
"Well, I don't know about the other women on base, but I don't really want any of-" she motioned  
  
towards his underwear, "-that."  
  
"All right, where are they?" A familiar booming voice came from the other side of the nearby door to  
  
the commissary's main gathering area, followed quickly by the voices owner, General Hammond.   
  
"Ah, there you are-" 'What in the world?' he thought as he took the scene before him in at a glance:  
  
Teal'c on top of a struggling nurse with her clothing in a wretched state, Dr. Jackson without his pants on  
  
gazing at Sam, and Major Carter making inappropriate gestures towards the aforementioned doctor's less public  
  
regions. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU THREE DOING?! SF's," he bellowed behind him, causing six uniformed SFs to  
  
file into the small room, "detain SG-1 in the briefing room until I get there. Do NOT let them leave."  
  
With that, SG-1, including O'Neill, who had still been convinced of his and Carter's imminent death  
  
at the hands of an alien disease when Hammond arrived in the commissary for lunch, were herded to the briefing  
  
room. On the way out, however, Hammond heard: "Daniel, what happened to your pants?!"  
  
TBC  
  
// Next time, a conference with General Hammond  
  
// So, how's it going so far? R&R please! 


	5. Chapter Five

// Poor General Hammond; he doesn't know what he's in for.  
  
// See previous chapter for details and stuff  
  
// Authors Note: Uh, actually, for once, I've got nothing to put here. Wow. Ok then, on with the story.  
  
Chapter 5  
  
Major General George Hammond of the SGC sat in his office, looking over the four members of SG-1, the Stargate programs flagship team. It had been a long day.  
  
First he had to explain to the President the newest predicament of SG-1 (which meant he owed the man $50, as well). Next, it had been necessary to contact the Asgard and explain to Thor that SG-1 wouldn't be able to attend the Protected-Planets Summit this time around, which seemed to greatly disappoint Thor. Then he had to contact the Tok'ra and insist on one of their medical experts come and take a look at SG-1 ASAP. And last of all, he had had to round up SG-1 in the commissary after they went tearing through the halls and harassed several scientists and a roughed up one nurse.  
  
Also present in the room besides himself and SG-1 was Doctor Frasier, who he was relying on to help keep Jack under control should things get out of hand here. He didn't want to subject her to anymore of this than necessary (God knows, she had been through enough yesterday), but he just didn't think anyone else would be able to control SG-1 like she could.  
  
"Okay, people." He mentally prepared himself for what was to come next. "We've got about eighteen hours until the Tok'ra get here. So, until then-"  
  
"Sir, do we *have* to let the snakeheads visit?"  
  
"Colonel, don't call my father a snakehead."  
  
"Carter, I would NEVER call your father a snakehead. It's the snake inside his head that I call a snakehead."  
  
'Great, Jack's starting already.' "We need their expertise in this matter. They may have encountered something like this before."  
  
"YoushouldlistentoGeneralHammond,O'Neill. TheTok'ramayindeedpossessthekeytofreeing ourselvesfromthisstate." Teal'c O_o  
  
Hammond stared at the Jaffa for a moment. "I'm sorry son, what was that?"  
  
"Whatwaswhat,GeneralHammond?"  
  
The general shook his head, "Never mind." Sam O_o "When the Tok'ra get here-"  
  
"Oh, when are the Tok'ra getting here? Is Dad, I mean, *ahem* is my father coming?"  
  
"I'm sorry, Major, but Jacob and Selmac are needed for a mission in Goa'uld space right now. They're sending someone else they feel we'll be comfortable with: " Jack & Daniel O_o "Anise."  
  
Jack went a little wide-eyed at that. "What?" said Jack. "Anise?" asked Daniel.  
  
"She's coming here to help you," he tried explaining patiently.  
  
"Aaah! No, send her back, get her away, away!"  
  
"Yeah, I'm with Jack on this one; we don't need her."  
  
"Send her back! Send her back!" both men chorused.  
  
"Damn it, what the hell is the matter with you two? She's a scientist, coming to help you get your memory back." Jack O_o "Are you saying you want to stay like this?"  
  
"Like what?"  
  
"It's Anise, Jack."  
  
"Anise? Where?!" Jack looked frantically around the big room, his eyes wide, ready to flee if necessary.  
  
Hammond heaved a sigh. So this was what Doctor Frasier went through earlier. "Never mind, she's not here, Colonel."  
  
"Oh, okay; *whew*." the colonel went back to staring off into space happily.  
  
"PerhapsO'NeillwouldfeelmorecomfortableiftheAsgardweretheonestorenderaidtous. ThiswouldallowtheTok'ratodevotethemselvesmorefullytofightingtheGoa'uld."  
  
Hammond just shook his head. "Doctor Frasier, can you tell what's making him talk like that? Is this a part of the memory loss as well?" Sam O_o  
  
"Uh, no sir. He was just in Kel-noreem for 38 hours, that's all."  
  
"Wow, Teal'c you Kel-noreemed for that long?" Sam sounded seriously shocked.  
  
"IamunawareofeverhavingKel-noreemedforsuchalongperiodoftime,MajorCarter. Itisnotimpossible that,inmycurrent state,somepartofmymindforgottoawakenafteranappropriateamountoftimehadpassed."   
  
Hammond was wide-eyed at this admission. "Well, no wonder, you're so jumpy son." Teal'c & Jack O_o "I'd be itching for something to do, too, if I had just woken up after being asleep for over a day on end."  
  
"Indeed." Teal'c began scratching himself, as did Jack.  
  
"I was thinking now that we should go over what happened before you entered the temple on PV8-366." The general began to get out some documents related to that mission.  
  
"Hey Doc, you got any calamine lotion on ya?"  
  
Frasier frowned. "Not with me Colonel. Why, what do you need it for?" Daniel O_o  
  
"What do ya think? I'm itching here."  
  
"Really?" Daniel began to scratch his arms too. Sam O_o "Me too."  
  
"You too, what?" she asked before Hammond could stop her.  
  
"Itching."  
  
"Itching?" She also began to scratch. "Yeah, I see what you mean."  
  
"Will you all stop that?!" Hammond bellowed at them. They stopped, for the moment.  
  
Jack raised his hand. Hammond let out a sigh. "What is it, Colonel?"  
  
"Sir, permission to scratch freely?"  
  
"I thought that was what you were just doing."  
  
"This is a little more…private, sir."  
  
Hammond nodded in comprehension. He knew how those were. "Very well, just…don't let us see it."  
  
"Gotcha." Jack spun his chair around so that he was facing away from everyone else.  
  
"Hey, hold on a second," Daniel protested, "how come he can scratch and we can't?" Jack O_o  
  
"Fine, fine, you can all scratch." Teal'c and Daniel O_o " Happy?"  
  
"Happy about what, general?" asked Daniel as Teal'c began to grin.  
  
"Oh for God's sake!" the general exclaimed.  
  
They all heard a thumping sound and turned to see Jack sprawled on the floor. "Oww," he moaned.  
  
"Your voice must have startled him, sir, in the midst of his…scratching." Janet kneeled over Jack. "Colonel, sir, are you all right?"  
  
He opened his eyes and, "AAH! NO NEEDLES!"  
  
"WhyareyounothappythatDoctorFrasierisconcernedforyou,O'Neill? Youshouldbepleasedtohave suchadedicatedandintelligentwomanheretotakecareofyou." Then the Jaffa went back to grinning like an idiot for no good reason. Sam O_o  
  
Daniel and Janet, meanwhile, were trying to pry Jack off the ceiling fan, to which he resolutely clung. Jack O_o Suddenly, he simply let go, landing on top of the two doctors.  
  
"Oh, heya Doc, Daniel…what are you two doing on the floor together?" His voice contained a mock accusatory tone.  
  
Sam spun around in her seat to eye her three friends in their situation. She couldn't help but giggle at how Daniel and Janet were in a rather compromising position, with Jack laying sprawled perpendicular on top of them.  
  
"Damn it, Colonel, Doctor Jackson, get off Doctor Frasier immediately." Both complied. 'Poor woman.' Daniel O_o "Doctor, I think you've been subjected to enough for today; you can go."  
  
Both Janet and Daniel started to leave.  
  
"Dr. Jackson, get back here!" Hammond roared at the archaeologist.  
  
"But, you said I could go." Jack O_o  
  
"Sit down, both of you."  
  
"Okey dokey." Jack sat down on the floor, pulling Daniel down with him after a second.  
  
"Not there, damn it. Your chairs!" Sam and Teal'c O_o "In your chairs."  
  
"IN our chairs?" Sam piped up. She and Teal'c immediately began to dissect the briefing rooms chairs they had been using.  
  
"Major, Teal'c stop that immediately." Hammond was reaching the end of his rope now. "Honestly, I will never be able to enjoy Pixar again because of this."  
  
*Bzzzt* The desk intercom rang to life. Hammond slapped it quiet with one meaty fist. "WHAT?!"  
  
"Uhh…" The voice of one scared Sgt. Siler issued from the comm. Jack O_o "Uh, sir?"  
  
"Yes?" Jack and Hammond answered at the same time. Raising eyes brimming with the pure fury of tropical thunderstorms, Hammond glared at the Air Force colonel across the table from him. Wisely, Jack decided to investigate something very interesting on the ceiling. "I thought I said I didn't want to be disturbed, Sergeant. What is it?"  
  
"The president, sir. I, uh, have him on hold."  
  
"Oh, for the love of Christ." *Sigh* "I'll be right there, Sergeant." The general shut off the comm., then directed his attention to the two SFs guarding the room. "SG-1 is not to leave this room under any, I repeat, ANY circumstances without my say-so. Understood?"  
  
"Yes sir." Both SFs saluted and formed a two-man barricade at the conference room door after Hammond had passed through.  
  
Not that this mattered to SG-1 in any way, since in thirty seconds all of them had their memory lapse yet again.  
  
"Jack?"  
  
"Yeah, Danny?"  
  
"Why are you staring at the ceiling?"  
  
"Dunno. Bored, I guess."  
  
"Hmm," Daniel grunted by way of agreement.  
  
"AreanyoftherestofyoucravingsustenancelikeIcurrentlyam?"  
  
"Huh?" asked Sam, Jack, and Daniel all at once.  
  
"FOOD!"  
  
"Oh," the rest of the team chorused. "Well, I could do with some jell-o right about now," opined Carter. Daniel O_o  
  
"Excellent idea, Major. SF!" The smaller of the two soldiers advanced cautiously towards O'Neill. Everyone on the base knew that a hungry O'Neill was a grumpy O'Neill. "Go down to the commissary and get us two, no, three buckets of red Jell-o-"  
  
"-and blue, sir"-  
  
"-green, I like green Jack -"  
  
"-Iprefertheorangeformofthedesert-"  
  
"-…yeah and…some of those types too." He sat thinking for a moment. "And bring an inflatable pool as well."  
  
The SF, already halfway to the door, stopped, turned around, and looked at O'Neill like he had suddenly sprouted yellow fur and a pair of horns. 'Well, this IS SG-1. They've done stranger,' he thought. Then he went to fulfill the colonel's request.  
  
"Uh, Jack, why the pool?" Sam O_o  
  
"So Carter and I can wrestle in it."  
  
"In what, sir?"  
  
"A pool filled with Jell-o, Carter."  
  
Sam looked a little skeptical. Jack and Teal'c O_o "Will there be any *blue* Jell-o involved?"  
  
"Idonotknowwhatactivityyouarereferingto,MajorCarter,orwhytherewouldbeanyJell-oinvolvedinitsperformance."  
  
"Huh?" Jack was clueless, as usual.  
  
"In our Jell-o wrestling, sir. Any blue Jell-o in it?"  
  
He looked like a boy who had been told Christmas would come twice this year. "Really? You'll do it if it's blue?"  
  
"Are you kidding? I'll do just about anything for blue Jell-o." 'Which is why I'm so glad I get it for free on base.'  
  
Jack began to smile dreamily. He was about to let a few pleasant scenarios involved the aforementioned scene float through his head, Daniel O_o when –  
  
"Incoming wormhole," the base intercom announced. Sam O_o  
  
"AAHH, DUCK!" Daniel launched himself under the conference table, where his head met a new friend, Mr. Table Leg. *Bump* Jack O_o  
  
"Ooohh, a duck? Where?" Carter was up and searching for the mystery bird, Jack on her heels. Truth be told, he didn't really like ducks; those weird noises and stupid bills rubbed him the wrong way. He DID, however, like the *taste* of duck.  
  
So that's the way they were, Sam searching for a duck that she thought *must* be playing hide-and-go-seek to remain hidden from her this long, Jack following Sam, intent on eating the bird, Daniel under the table, unconscious, and Teal'c sitting in his chair, tapping his feet and his fingers on the floor and table in tune to the theme of Babylon 5 at 20x normal speed-  
  
-when in walked…  
  
"Jeez, George wasn't kidding about you all, was he?"  
  
All of SG-1 turned to welcome Jacob Carter/Selmak back to Earth.  
  
"Dad, hi!"  
  
"GreetingsandgooddaytoyouJacobCarterandSelmak."  
  
"Oh, my head…"  
  
"Great, ducks and snakes, my day just keeps getting better and better."  
  
TBC  
  
// Coming up next, enter the Tok'ra  
  
// Review please! Oh yeah, do I own Jell-o, Disney and Pixar? NO, there I said it, so now they can't touch me! HAHAHA, I'm safe, safe I tell you. *pppbbththhhh* 


	6. Chapter Six

// Selmak and Jacob meet their match: SG-1 while LOCO!  
  
// See previous chapter for details and stuff  
  
// Authors Note: Sorry about the lull in postings, but my muse ran away. Let me know if you see it, okay?  
  
Chapter 6  
  
General George Hammond looked into the briefing room through the clear plastic wall, observing the actions of his star team with  
  
a mixture of never-ending astonishment and exhaustion. He had long given ago up trying to restrain their errant behavior, and was now  
  
simply trying to preserve the sanity of as many people in the SGC as possible. Doing so, of course, put a tremendous strain on HIS  
  
sanity, which was holding on by a grip that could currently be described as tenous, at best.  
  
One thing WAS for certain, though: SG-1 needed to be either cured or removed from the base PDQ, or else MacKenzie would be so  
  
busy with patients on base that the Air Force would have to pay him to move into quarters on base. And it would be hazard pay, of course,  
  
since SG-1 was involved.  
  
He turned his attention back to the man behind him, Retired General Jacob Carter, host to the Tok'ra Selmak and official liason  
  
between the Tau'ri and the Tok'ra. "So, now that you've observed SG-1 for a half hour, you know just what we're going through. Any  
  
ideas?"  
  
"Are you asking me or Selmak?"  
  
"Damnit Jacob, who do you think?!"  
  
That took his friend aback. "Wow, they really ARE getting to you, aren't they?"  
  
Hammond let out a sigh. "Spending a week with SG-1 in this condition would drive even an Asgard nuts."  
  
Jacob shivered. "There's an idea I don't like to dwell on. Let me get Selmak for you." He bowed his head and, when he brough  
  
it up again, his eyes glowed briefly, signifying that Selmak was now in control of the body. Like the heavily modulated tone wasn't clue  
  
enough for you.  
  
"Selmak," George bowed his head curteously.  
  
"General Carter," the deep voice of Selmak rang through Jacob Carters vocal cords as the alien did likewise. "Forgive me, but the  
  
Tok'ra do not know of any countermeasure for such a condition as that which has befallen SG-1."  
  
"Any ideas on where to start?"  
  
"Not at the moment. We have never before encountered nor had to repair this particular affliction in a host. Jacob believes that  
  
this scenario might have been taken straight from an episode of Star Trek. I have my doubts about that."  
  
Hammond smiled at that. A little known fact about General Jacob Carter was that he loved Sci-fi. George had never been able to  
  
follow that fascination, but then his job was plenty spectacular enough for him. "So, no Tok'ra has ever encountered an effect like this  
  
before, nor one of your hosts?"  
  
Selmak paused to think for a moment. "If one of the Tok'ra were affected by whatever has happened to SG-1, our genetic memory  
  
would insure against the loss of our memories. It is likely that this would prevent the loss of memory in the host as well, since we  
  
would share our memories instinctively. To my knowledge, no host ever taken has encountered such an affliction as this."  
  
"Fantastic," George intoned, meaning anything but.  
  
"I would like to speak with SG-1, if that is all right General."  
  
"Are you sure Selmak?"  
  
"If I am to help rid them of this condition, I must first understand the circumstances surrounding the moment they came under the  
  
conditions influence. This is our best chance to formulate a cure for their current state." To add emphasis, Selmak waved a hand toward  
  
the briefing room, which showed the amusing scene of Jack chasing around Daniel a table, wielding a chair overhead like a club, ready to  
  
bash in the good doctor's head the moment Jackson's stamina ran out.  
  
"That," Hammond pointed to the room as well, "is exactly why I'm concerned about you wanting to go in there."  
  
"General, if the results of the tests performed by Dr. Frasier will not vary over time, then Colonel O'Neill's memory should  
  
relapse at any moment."  
  
Sure enough, a few seconds later, Jack stopped running, dropped the chair, and adopted a puzzled expression. Jackson soon  
  
followed suit, doubtless both of them wondering why they were standing amidst a bunch of overturned chairs and breathing as though they  
  
just finished sprinting a mile, which they probably had.  
  
Hammond relented. Selmak and Jacob together had the brains, wisdom, and experience necessary to be able to handle SG-1, so there  
  
was no good reason to forbid them to go inside. Besides, that was Jacobs daughter in there, and any attempts to keep him from her would  
  
probably be totally unsuccessful. Selmak was probably having to restrain Jacob from bursting into the room right now. "Okay, just be  
  
careful. There's no telling just what they may do next."  
  
"I'll keep that in mind, George," came Jacobs normal voice, indicating he was back in control. He strolled over to the door to  
  
the briefing room and went inside.  
  
"Dad!" Sam was up and in his arms in seconds.  
  
"Hiya Sammy," he murmured in his daughters ear, giving her a quick kiss on the cheek. "So," he released Sam, "who touched the  
  
artifact this time?"  
  
"Uh, not me."  
  
"I've got more sense then that, Dad."  
  
"ItwasnotIwhosetoffthiseffect."  
  
All eyes in the room converged on Jack, who, of course, hadn't been paying attention to the question. "What?"  
  
"Well, can any of you remember who touched something last before you got here?"  
  
That drew a bunch of blank looks. Daniel O_o "I'll take that as a no," Jacob quipped.  
  
"What about No?" Jackson inquired.  
  
"Something about artifacts, Daniel," Sam said.  
  
"Ohhh, ancient Japanese artifacts? Where?!" Jackson began to look around the room. Jack O_o  
  
"No, there are none of those here," replied Jacob.  
  
"None of what where now huh?" Jack inquired.  
  
Ignoring Jack, Jacob continued to question SG-1. "What can you all tell me about PV8-366? How much do you remember?"  
  
"Oh, uh, plenty of stuff." Daniel began to rant. "Um, it has slightly less gravity than Earth," Jack O_o "plenty of trees, I  
  
remember Jack commenting on that-"  
  
"The trees were blue. Blue trees. Creepy," Jack interrupted, beginning to shiver with images of foreboding blue shrubbery  
  
invading his mind.  
  
"Yes, thank you Jack, the air had a slightly sulfurous quality to it, I don't remember seeing any animal life, the sky was..."  
  
Teal'c O_o "green, I think?"  
  
Teal'c looked around. "Iseenoindicationofanythinggreeninthearea,DanielJackson."  
  
"Hey Jacob, you're an alien, sorta, why is T talking like that?"  
  
Jacob lowered his head, allowing Selmak to take control. "What you see is the effect of too much time spent in Kel-noreem. If  
  
the mental processes of a Goa'uld are naturally somewhat faster than that of a human. If too much time is spent connecting with the  
  
symbiote at an unconscious level, the hosts brain will accelerate its thought processes somewhat to compensate for the extremely rapid  
  
data exchange between the two." Daniel O_o "The effects-"  
  
"Ahh, Goa'uld!" Daniel screamed.  
  
Everyone stared at Daniel. Sam was actually glaring daggers.  
  
"Oh, uh...sorry Jacob."  
  
Selmak let out a sigh. "That is all right, Dr. Jackson; I really should have expected this reaction from one of you by now. As  
  
I was saying, the effects should wear off within a few days of Teal'cs next Kel-noreem." With that, Selmak relinquished control.  
  
"Okay," Jacob spoke up, "let me correct my previous mistake: what do you remember about the planets CIVILIZATION?" Sam O_o  
  
"They were dead." That was Jack.  
  
"Who died sir-Daddy!" Sam hugged her father close again.  
  
Jacob was taken by surprise, though he didn't mind one bit. "Sam, though I don't mind this really," he brought her to arms  
  
length, "you already said hello to me."  
  
"Oh, I did?" When her father nodded, Sam sat back down a little sheepishly. O_o Jack  
  
"Moving on," Jacob began.  
  
Jack pushed away from the desk, kicking his chair around the room, travelling backwards at speeds best left to the drivers at the  
  
Indy 500. Jacob gazed in stunned confusion at the Air Force colonel for a minute. "Jack, stop that!"  
  
"Okay," the Colonel stomped his feet down on the floor, effectively applying brakes, dragging him out of the chair and landing  
  
him on his backside. "Owwww!"  
  
"Colonel, what's wrong?" Sam O_o  
  
"What do ya think? I landed on my ass."  
  
"Do you want me to take a look at it, sir?" This comment of course, drew a few stares. "I mean, uh..." Her gaze turned to  
  
Jacob. "Dad!" She once again threw her arms around her father.  
  
Jacob couldn't help but smile. "You know, I could get used to this."  
  
*CRASH*  
  
Everyone looked at O'Neill, who was standing up from the floor, a broken chair laying next to him. "It wasn't me."  
  
"Oh, really?" Jacob couldn't help himself. "And just what other person recently took that chair for several laps around the  
  
briefing room like a go cart?"  
  
"That was not my fault," quipped the Colonel.  
  
"I don't care whose fault it was Jack," O_o Teal'c "just shut up."  
  
"Whydywshfrsthvrmthsrmnsht?" Teal'c was speaking through closed lips and jaw.  
  
"What?" Jacob was rapidly losing his patience.  
  
"Rmths. Whymstthyrmnsht?" Daniel O_o  
  
"Stop that already!"  
  
"But I'm not doing anything."  
  
"I know YOU'RE not Daniel, I want Teal'c to stop talking through a closed jaw."  
  
"Vrywll, JcbCrtr."  
  
"Okay," Jacob took a breath to calm himself down. "What was the last thing ANY of you remember about the planet?"  
  
All the members of SG-1 were silent for a moment. Then Daniel spoke up, "I remember a building of some sort."  
  
"Really? Any of the rest of you remember this building?"  
  
Sam spoke. "Yeah, I do. It was pretty big."  
  
"Big?"  
  
"Yes, big building. The size of many, MANY malls." Jack held his hands out wide to elaborate his point. "Also done in the same  
  
bad paint job as the rest of the planet."  
  
Jacob shook his head in amusement. "Once again Jack, your descriptive talents boggle the mind. And this was the last thing any  
  
of you remember? Nothing about the inside of the building?"  
  
Four heads simultaneously shook horizontally, indicating the negative.  
  
"Okay, then. I think I've learned enough." The elderly man turned to leave the room.  
  
"Uh, Jacob?"  
  
"Yeah, Jack?"  
  
"You and Selmak gonna tell us what this is all about?"  
  
"No." With that, Tok'ra and host left the room.  
  
George Hammond spotted his old friend the instant he was at the door to his office.  
  
"So, do you think you've learned anything about how to deal with this?"  
  
"Well, let's just say it's a good thing my cover was blown on my mission into Goa'uld space and I had to escape, otherwise you  
  
wouldn't have me here for this."  
  
"Well Jacob, what do you recommend?"  
  
"Well, as crazy as this is going to sound-"  
  
'Oh boy,' thought Hammond, 'THIS is going to be a doozy.'  
  
"-I think you should send me and SG-1 back through the gate, so we can find out what did this and try to reverse the effect."  
  
"You're out of your mind!"  
  
"Actually, this was Selmaks idea, so she's out of HER mind...which is my mind anyways, so I guess you're right regardless."  
  
"Jacob, this is insane! You've seen how they're acting. Do you actually think you can control them while offworld?"  
  
"Look, we know of no-one who can help with this sort of thing. Our best chance to fix this problem lies back there," Jacob  
  
pointed towards the inactive Stargate in the background, "through the Gate, on PV8-366. It's our best shot and you know it."  
  
Hammonds mind was made up to say 'Hell no!' when he heard Daniel Jackson yelling from inside the briefing room, "No Jack, we  
  
don't know where your yo-yo is!"  
  
"Nevermind, Jacob. You and SG-1 have a go."  
  
TBC  
  
// Next chapter, back to PV8-366  
  
// As of now, I'm holding this story hostage. If I don't get any reviews, the story will DIE! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Nah, I'm just kidding.  
  
// I love this story; I couldn't abandon it. Nonetheless, review please?  
  
// BTW, No is a form of Japanese theatre that came about centuries ago; it's still performed today; just fyi 


	7. Chapter Seven

// How long can you delay a mission? This long!  
  
// See previous chapter for details and stuff  
  
// Authors Note: What does the author do when he like to post authors notes but can't think of anything to post here? Why, ramble of  
  
// course! Let's see what can I ramble about right now...hmmm, I gots nuthin', so i guess I'll just write instead. But the rambling  
  
// will return; count on it. BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!  
  
Chapter 7  
  
General Hammond ambled into the Gate room. "Jacob, are they ready?"  
  
Jacob Carter turned to address his friend. "Almost. Just one more little detail. SF!" A young SF nodded and came over with a  
  
rolled up piece of rope. He handed it to Jacob, then retreated back to his post by the door. Jacob tied it around his middle, then  
  
began to loop the cord around the waists of the members of SG-1. Jack O_o  
  
"Uh, Jacob?" Jack was the first to comment.  
  
"What is it, Jack?"  
  
"Whatcha doing?" Teal'c O_o  
  
"Keeping all of you in one place."  
  
"Idonotbelievewearegoingtoseparateourselvesatanypointinthenearfuture,JacobCarter."  
  
"...whatever. THIS," Jacob brandished the rope, "is to ensure that everything goes smoothly on the mission and that I know  
  
where you all are at any given moment."  
  
"You really don't think there's time to let Teal'c Kel-noreem to wear off that...effect?" Hammond didn't know if letting Teal'c  
  
go on a mission talking like he was at the moment was such a good idea. Not the best for team communication.  
  
"Probably not, George." Jacob talked while he worked. The rope had already been tied around him and Jack. Now he was working  
  
on Teal'c. "We have no idea if it's possible to undo these effects but, if it IS possible, it may be that every hour of delay will make  
  
it that much harder or maybe preclude the possibility of a total recovery. And I'm pretty sure you don't want THAT."  
  
Hammond sighed wearily. "No, no we certainly don't. Colonel."  
  
Jack lifted his head from observing the rope around his waist. "Sir?"  
  
"I'm placing Jacob in charge of this mission. That means that you are to follow his every-wait, what am I doing? You're not  
  
going to remember this, anyways. Wait just a minute, Jacob, and I'll be right back."  
  
As Hammond left the room, Jacob finished tying the rope to his daughter, then to Dr. Jackson. The order now went Jacob, Jack,  
  
Teal'c, Sam, and Daniel, with about ten feet of slack between each person. He wasn't sure WHY the order, but it seemed right. For some  
  
reason, he seemed to remember doing this once with her and Mark. "Y'know Sam, I think I've done this with you before."  
  
"You mean, tied her up along with her best friend, an alien, and her superior officer?" Jack O_o  
  
"One more comment like that, Jack," Jacob had the highly recognizable Carter glare in his eye, "and I'll be forced to hurt you."  
  
"What? What comment?" Sam O_o  
  
"Just...no more comments about Sam."  
  
"What?" Carter got suspicious. "What he'd say about me?"  
  
"I didn't say anything." Jack was playing innocent, and, for once, rightfully so...sort of. Daniel O_o  
  
"Uh, guys?"  
  
Jacob reigned in his frustration with a big dose of help from Selmak. "What is it, Daniel?" Jack O_o  
  
"Why am I tied to Sam?"  
  
"WHAT?!" Jack spun around, eyes wide. He took in the situation quickly: Daniel, aka Spacemonkey, tied to HIS major! "WHAT ARE  
  
YOU DOING?!"  
  
"Stand down, Jack!" Jacob had taken on a commanding tone, but Jack wasn't listening. Teal'c O_O His attention WAS caught,  
  
however, after he stalked after a retreating Daniel to the point that his line went taunt with Teal'c, snapping Jack back from his sudden  
  
advance and depositing him on the floor.  
  
"O'Neill,whyareyouontheground? Whatisthemeaningofthiscordaroundourwaists?"  
  
"Teal'c, don't let him hurt me." Daniels voice issued from behind Carter.  
  
The big Jaffa looked up in confusion at his friend. "Iwouldneverpermitoneofyoutocometoharm,DanielJackson. Whydoyoubelievethat  
  
ColonelO'Neillwouldwanttoharmyou?"  
  
"I...uh...wait, what was that Teal'c?" Sam O_o  
  
"Jack, no more attempts to harm Daniel, am I clear?" Jacob was now fully in General mode. Jack O_o  
  
"Sir, I can't believe you'd try to hurt Daniel!"  
  
"Wha..." Jack looked up questioningly from the ground. "Who's hurting Daniel?"  
  
"JacobCarterhasexpressedanobservationthatyouwishtocausephysicalharmtoDanielJackson. Imyselfhaveobservednoactionsfromwhichtodeduce  
  
suchaconclusion."  
  
"...okay, thanks T."  
  
"YouarewelcomeO'Neill." Teal'c helped Jack back up to his feet. Daniel O_o   
  
"So, when do debrief?" Jack asked.  
  
Daniel looked around in a rather confused state. "Uh, Jack? What makes you think we're debriefing?"  
  
"We're in the embarkation room, aren't we? We were just on PV8-366, weren't we? Then there, now here, hence debriefing." Jack  
  
smiled as he held his hands out as though he were proclaiming the most astouding scientific find of the millenia.  
  
"Okay then, answer me this: when on our mission did someone tie us all together with rope?"  
  
"What?" Sam looked down at her waist, eyes narrowing to slits. "Sir, did you..."  
  
"Carter, am I that stupid?" He turned quickly to Daniel, pointed a finger at him. "YOU be quiet." Jackson shut his mouth,  
  
looking a dissappointed. Jacob opened his mouth to inform his daughter of the reason for the rope around her middle.  
  
"Well, all I can say is that whoever was STUPID enough to do this without my permission had damn well better start running and  
  
never, EVER stop or I will hang him from his own entrails." A dangerous glare now burned in Major Carters eyes, filled with the wrath  
  
someone felt towards another being whom they believed had seriously wronged them in some way.  
  
Whether it was Selmak intervening or just past experience, Jacob decided not to tell his daughter that he had looped the rope  
  
around her and the rest of SG-1.  
  
The embarkation room was quiet for a moment. Then, "Carter, how do you know it was a guy?"  
  
"All right, I'm back." Hammonds voice was probably the only thing that kept once seriously pissed off Major from jumping to  
  
conclusions and assaulting her CO. Didn't prevent the older officer from picking up her mood, however. "Jacob, what happened while I  
  
was away?" Teal'c O_o  
  
"Oh, Jack tried to kill Daniel, Sam got upset, there was arguing...Tealc talked fast."  
  
"So, nothing out of the ordinary then?  
  
"Nope." Jack O_o  
  
"Good to hear."  
  
"Yes sir, very good to hear, whatever that may be. Uh," Jack noticed the rope around his waist, "care to tell us what's going on  
  
here, sirs?"  
  
"O'Neill,doyoubelievethatIamspeakingatagreaterthannormalrate?" Daniel O_o  
  
Jack turned to Jacob. "Can Selmak play that back at, like, normal speed?"  
  
Jacob quickly complied, having just realized Selmak would be able to help him do that. "He wants you to tell him if he's  
  
speaking faster than normal."  
  
"Okay, show of hands. How many people here think Teal'c is talking too fast?" Everyone but Daniel and Teal'c raised their  
  
hands for Jacks call of a vote. "That's what I thought."  
  
"Jack, c'mon. This is Teal'c we're talking about; if anything, he speaks slower and more carefully than any of us."  
  
"Thankyouforyourvoteofconfidence,DanielJackson." Sam O_o  
  
Daniel got a little wide-eyed at that. "Yeah, can we take another vote? I need to change mine." Teal'c raised an eyebrow.  
  
"What are we voting on?" Sam asked.  
  
"It's not important, Sam." Jacob made his way towards Hammond. "So, what did you want me to delay for?"  
  
"For this." Hammond held out a baseball cap. The front was mostly white, with the Air Force logo emblazoned on it. On it was  
  
written, in black magic marker, 'Jack, obey Jacob.' Hammond gave it his signature below, as well.  
  
"George, you've got to be kidding me." Teal'c O_o  
  
"Oh, it'll work, Jacob, don't worry."  
  
"Isthisthingyouwishtotestthereasonforourbeingtiedtogether,GeneralHammond?" Jack O_o  
  
While Jacob put on the cap, Hammond replied, "It's insurance for the mission, Teal'c."  
  
"Uh, my insurance is already paid off, sir, but thanks for the offer."  
  
Hammond turned to his old friend. "He's all yours." The commander of the SGC left for the control room.  
  
"Jack, from now on, any order I give you, you will follow as if it came from Hammond himself, clear?"  
  
"Listen, Jacob," Jack sauntered the ten feet towards the Tok'ra, "I like you and all, you've got a good sense of humor, but-"  
  
Jacob turned around, indicating his new hat with an extended index finger. It took O'Neill a second to recognize the gesture,  
  
follow the direction it was pointing, and take in the message. "He signed your head?"  
  
Ignoring Jack, Jacob addressed the rest of SG-1. "All right, everyone. We're going back to PV8-366, hopefully to find wherever  
  
it is you four lost your minds at. If you have any questions, just look at my hat. Off we go."  
  
The wormhole formed behind them a few moments later. Hammond came over the intercomm: "SG-1, you have a go. Good luck."  
  
Jacob started up the ramp, SG-1 falling in behind him. Two steps up, Jack paused. "Hey, I just did this a few hours ago."  
  
"Well, you're doing it again, Colonel," Jacob retorted, adding emphasis to Jacks rank.  
  
"But-"  
  
"Jack!" Jacob whirled around, pointing at his cap again.  
  
"...okey-dokey," Jack quipped.  
  
They started back up again, almost there, when Carter had her turn to halt their progress. "Wait a minute, why are we walking  
  
into an incoming wormhole?"  
  
"Sam," you could hear it in his voice, Jacob was getting tired of this, "it's outgoing, trust me."  
  
"Oh, good, because if we stepped into an INCOMING wormhole, it could-"  
  
"Carter," Jack interrupted her, "save your breath. I've been given an order by your fathers hat, and I intend to follow it."  
  
If Carter was thrown by this peculiar statement of Jacks, she didn't show it, simply following the large Jaffa in front of her  
  
through the Stargate.  
  
The party progressed smoothly through the event horizon, disappearing on the other side. After Carter stepped through, only Dr.  
  
Daniel Jackson was left. He paused mid-stride. "What the..." He gave the room a good lock. "What's going on? Wasn't I just-"  
  
"On PV8-366, yes Dr. Jackson, you were," Hammond interrupted his thoughts mid-sentence.  
  
"I don't get it. What am I doing here, then?"  
  
"The answer is on the other side of that wormhole, Dr." Implied message: 'Get your ass moving.'  
  
"What about Jack, Sam, and Teal'c? What's are they? What's going on here, anyways?"  
  
"Just follow the cord around your waist, doctor. It's tied to the answers."  
  
Daniel found the cord around his abdomen. "That's weird. Why would someone tie a rope to me? And what do you mean I'm tied to  
  
the answers? Where does this particular wormhole go, anways?"  
  
"Just get going already, Dr. Jackson, before the wormhole closes!"  
  
"Yeah but-" Daniel didn't have a chance to finish as a sharp tug from the line around his waist pulling him flailing into the  
  
watery surface of the event horizon.  
  
And with that, the wormhole disengaged.  
  
"Wohoo!" Chevron guy threw up his arms in joy. Hammond gave him the US military patented 'COs glare of doom.' "Uh, sorry sir,  
  
too much coffee, getting excited about missions and stuff."  
  
"Right. Well next time, restrain your 'caffeine-induced' enthusiasm, clear?"  
  
"Yes sir. Quite clear, general."  
  
"Good." With Chevron guy (he REALLY needed to learn that mans name one day) sufficiently chastised, Hammond retired to his  
  
office. He was careful to make sure no-one was nearby and that the door was closed all the way before yelling, "Wohoo!"  
  
TBC  
  
TBC  
  
// Okay, next time they're REALLY going back to the planet. Promise.  
  
// What's taken me so long? Well, like I stated before, I had to track down my muse. Funny, you'd think people would notice a 7 foot  
  
// long purple dragon that speaks pig-latin like Yoda running around town in a black trench coat...but nooooo! Anyways, if you don't  
  
// want my muse to run away again, then do as it said, and I quote: "eed-fay e-thay author-ay ith-way eviews-ray ou-yay ust-may. es-Yay,  
  
// mmmmmmmmmm." Yeah, it's creepy, but I've learned to live with it. 


	8. Chapter Eight

Jacob, trapped on an alien planet with a memory-impaired SG-1. This is gonna be funny, or painful, or both.  
See previous chapter for details and stuff  
Authors Note: Don't read this, the story is down there. Go, read the story...I'm not kidding, stop it...this isn't funny...you're not going to gain anything by reading this...you're just taking up more of your time...man, you MUST be bored...extremely bored...there's no joke here...seriously, I just wrote this to see how far you would go...although I didn't think it would go THIS far...really, I appreciate your enthusiasm...but don't you want to read the story instead?

Chapter 8

The rest of SG-1 and Jacob/Selmak were waiting on the other side of the wormhole when Daniel Jackson came hurtling through, flying bodily into Sam. The two members of SG-1 landed on top of one another just a moment before the wormhole from Earth closed, leaving the entire party on PV8-366.

Jacob/Selmak could tell just how difficult this mission would be when the first thing that happened following their arrival on planet was Jack assaulting Daniel for being on top of their daughter in a rather compromising position. "Teal'c, hold him!"

"Verywell,GeneralCarter." The big Jaffa pinned O'Neill's arms behind his back, struggling to keep the very irate colonel from tearing apart their archaeologist. (Teal'c Oo)

"Teal'c, c'mon, let go!" Jack bellowed at the top of his lungs.

"Asyouwish,O'Neill." And he did. And Jack tackled Daniel, stopping partway through the maneuver in mid-air to jerk Jacob off his feet, landing both men face-down in the dirt. (Jack Oo)

Jacob got up, spitting dirt. "Damnit, Jack!" (Daniel Oo)

"What? What did I do?" (Sam Oo)

"Yeah, what did the Jack do now?"

Sam looked around, confused. "Yes, what DID you do sir? How'd we get back here?" She looked down, fury rising in her eyes. "Did YOU do this, colonel?"

'Great, it's started ALREADY!' Selmak tried an ancient Tok'ra relaxation exercise to calm Jacobs nerves. It didn't help that much. "Will you all just be QUIET!"

"I didn't do anything. Why is everyone looking at me like that?" Jack had that 'I'm too innocent to have done it' look on his face.

"Sir," Sams voice was now cold as ice and sharp as a knife, "did you tie this rope around me?"

"Carter, if I had, don't you think we would have been right next to each other with a LOT less than 10 feet of slack?"

Jacob closed his eyes, not wanting to witness the slaughter. Instead, he heard, "Oh, good point." 'Oh, thank God.'

His relief didn't last long. "Then who's-Daniel!" 'Oh shi-' He didn't get a chance to finish the thought, however, since Daniel slammed bodily into him, running away from a very irate Sam. Teal'c saw this and ran after Carter to stop her from eviscerating their linguist. Jack was promptly dragged along behind Teal'c, clutching at the rope and skidding along the ground like a water skier. Which left Jacob at the end, clutching a deep indigo root to keep from being dragged to death across the sulfury-smelling ground. Good thing he had a symbiote in him, or his arm might have been ripped off after the first five seconds. Ten seconds didn't seem like it was gonna be that easy.

And so there they were, the premiere exploration and combat team of the SGC, straining against their ropes, Jackson straining to get away from Major Carter, who was trying to pursue him while at the same time pulling against Teal'c, who was attempting to stop Sam from killing Daniel. He pulled on Jack, who simply wanted a better view of what was about to happen and couldn't move much because of the stress on the rope pretty much fixing him into position. Jacob silently swore that he would never reenact an idea anywhere NEAR this stupid ever again. (Daniel Oo) "Will...all of you...just...STOP!"

At the other end of the rope, Daniel did just that. "I recognize that voice." He turned around walked a few feet back towards the voice. "Hey, it's Jacob and-ahh!" He recoiled as Sam clawed at his face, landing flat on his back. "Uh, Sam?"

"Gonna...kill...you..." Still clawing. (Jack Oo)

"Sam, why do you want to kill me?" (Sam Oo)

"Whoa, hold the phone. Nobody's allowed to kill the Spacemonkey, except me." (Teal'c Oo)

Sam stopped clawing and turned on her CO in shock. "Sir, you've tried to kill Daniel before?"

"IdonotseriouslybelieveColonelO'Neillwouldeverattemptsuchathing,MajorCarter."

"He just said he did."

"Did not."

"You did too."

"Ididnothearhimsaythis."

"Thank you, Teal'c." Jack obviously was assuming Teal'c was backing him up.

"Sir, I heard you. Just because Teal'c didn't-"

"Uh, excuse me, everyone?"

"Daniel, quite!" Jack leveled a finger at him. "This doesn't concern you."

"Oookay, fine, but answer me this: where are we?" (Daniel Oo)

For a moment, silence. "IbelieveweareontheplanetknownasPV8-366,DanielJackson."

"Well, obviously, we're on-hey! Weren't we just near a big building?"

"YES!" Jacobs shout startled them all. He had been taking a break for a minute to massage his poor arms. "You were all several kilometers from here. You had your memories erased and you somehow wandered back to the Stargate, went to Earth, and proceeded to spend the next several days driving the SGC totally nuts. JUST LIKE YOU'RE DOING TO ME RIGHT NOW!"

A silence descended on the travelers. Carter had been about to say hello to her father, but somehow she thought she should wait until he wasn't red with anger anymore. After a bit of a tense moment, Jacobs head dipped and Selmak asserted control. "We should move towards the building you encountered on your previous journey here. What direction are the ruins located?" Four index fingers pointed in the direction of the setting sun. "Very well, we should set out immediately." With that, Selmak relinquished control. "Any questions," Jacobs asked.

"Yeah, when do we eat?" (Jack Oo)

"Go jump off a cliff, Jack."

The colonel shrugged. "Okay."

He turned and began to run. Jacob realized a little too late just how close to the top of a cliff they were. "Wait, don't-" he blurted, but it was too late. Sam screamed at her CO, Daniel scrunched his eyes closed. Teal'cs eyebrows went up.

When the line jerked taunt as Jack jumped, Jacob was taken nearly off his feet toward the cliffs edge. Selmak immediately took over and went into emergency Tok'ra survival mode, also known as total and complete desperation. However, because of her years blended with Selmak, there was also a healthy dose of panic involved as well. They managed to land one hand on the cliffs very edge just a moment before tumbling over. "Damnit, Jack, how much do you weigh anyways?"

"None of your business," came the grunt from below.

"GeneralCarter,pleaseholdonwhilewepullyouup." (Carter Oo)

'Oh, some GOOD luck,' he thought. Teal'c must have been able to withstand the pull of Jack 'the idiot' O'Neill (and he WAS filing that nickname away for future reference) jumping over a cliff. Jacob risked a look down-and immediately wished he hadn't. He cursed Selmak inwardly for this stupid idea of hers. Selmak did the equivalent of a mental raspberry towards his side of his/their brain. "Damnit, hurry up!"

"Dad, is that-oomph," were what he heard as Sam temporarily let go of some of the slack on her end of the rope, causing Teal'c to be dragged a foot or two towards the cliff face. He assumed the 'oomph' was caused by his daughter being jerked into Teal'c by the sudden shortening and, therefore, pulling of the rope. As he found out a moment later, when two bodies plummeted past his, he was right. Sometimes it really sucked to be right all the time. With one final 'Yipe' from Daniel, the four members of SG-1 plus one Tok'ra went sailing down the cliff-face.

Or at least they WOULD have, had it not been a sixty-degree angle instead of a simple vertical drop. They spent the next several minutes tumbling, bumping, and crashing down the cliff and into many shrubs, rocks, roots, the occasional tree, lots of hard packed dirt, and something that, as Jack would later eloquently put it, felt like 'tar that's been in a snakes butt crack for a hundred years.'

Six minutes after Jacks abysmally stupid jump, they all found themselves at the bottom of a very steep slope. There were bruises and scrapes and cuts and bellyaches aplenty, but, miraculously, nothing truly serious.

"All right, whose crotch is in my face?"

"Sir!"

"Oh."

"Damnit, take away that hand, whoever you are."

"Myapologies,DanielJackson."

Jacob managed to disentangle himself first from the large knot that was SG-1. Selmak ran an inventory of all his parts and pronounced him okay for further traveling, as soon as the world stopped spinning.

Jack stood up, looking upwards towards the edge of the cliff where they had fallen from. After a moment, "Okay, I can put two and two together. Who's the idiot that sent us over that cliff?"

'Screw the consequences,' Jacob thought and tackled the colonel. Sam, Daniel, and Teal'c, now all disentangled, watched from several yards away with interest as two humans and one symbiote pounded and kicked at each other. After a few moments of shocked silence, Daniel had the good mind to ask, "Do we dare interrupt them yet?"

"No, I think they need this," Sam replied. (Sam Oo)

"Need it? Are you sure?"

"Huh? Sure of what-sir...and dad! What are..." She returned, once again, to the land of the stupefied silent. While she was at it, she took up membership in drop-jawed anonymous.

"Well," Daniel looked around, located their backpacks, and went over to check their gear. "At the very least, it'll be an interesting night."

"Indeed,DanielJackson."

"Uh-huh," was all Sam Carter could get out as her immediate CO tried to use a tactic against her father that she hadn't known was in his repertoire.

"Ah! Damnit, Jack, no biting!"

TBC

Next time, camping offworld.  
Read plus Review equals More Story, plus triple chocolate cyber cookies for the first ten reviewers!


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